Even though I said on the podcast that Jurassic World was an ‘okay’ movie, Ryan has been lumping me into the ‘it sucked’ camp because, for him, this type of movie doesn’t have to try for anything more than: park breaks, dinos get out, terrorize people, money well spent. And clearly, the rest of the world was fine with it too because, even after one week at the box office, it’s still selling record amounts of tickets. (I’ve seen it twice! In 2D and 3D IMAX)

And good for JP4! A lot of people worked really hard to make another summer blockbuster that does just that! It hits all the summer blockbuster checklist boxes it was designed to do and it worked. Hopefully Universal employees are getting fat bonuses this year after scoring two monster hits (Furious 7).

But, I’m not fine with JP4 just being ‘okay’. And again, I will clarify, Jurassic World IS NOT terrible or unwatchable or the worst movie of 2015. I just don’t think it’s that much more watchable than the other two sequels (which I also think are just okay, not terrible, not the worst movies of those years either) and certainly doesn’t capture the wonder of the first.

I wish it tried harder to be something more. I was never surprised or impressed or challenged with anything going on. I was simply along for the ride and I feel like on your fourth outing (after leaving the public consciousness for 15 years) you have a great chance to try something new. Take a chance!

I’m also a firm believer in that if you criticize something, offer up a better idea in its place and don’t just sit back and claim ‘they did it all wrong’ without providing the solution. So here’s my solution:

My biggest point of boredom with the movie was the story. So I present to you… MY plot synopsis for Jurassic World: The Brad is a Genius Edition:

The park is finally open!

The death of John Hammond and numerous lawsuits have left a void in the vision of his park. Lawyers and billionaires have wrangled the patents and rights solely back to the full ownership of inGEN who build the fully functioning park purely for profit, and in doing so, make it only affordable to the world’s wealthiest vacationers. (ubiquitous social commentary fulfilled)

Meanwhile, a young, female dino-enthusiast (let’s pick a name for her at random… how about… James!) from a lower-middle class family, dreams of one-day seeing a living-breathing dinosaur in-person. James’ classmates insist it’ll never happen unless she wins the lottery but she insists that by chasing a career in archaeology, she may someday get a job at the park.

But she can’t wait. And her best friend, Ryan, says he knows a way to sneak into this exclusive and highly secure park because he’s learned skills “on the streets”. So, they hitch-hike to the island via a series of street-smart scams and ruses and find a flaw in the park security much to the chagrin of park manager, Bryce Dallas Howard.

Knowing her billionaire boss will not stand for this security breach or the loss of revenue for two teenagers, BDH dispatches a team to track and incarcerate the plucky pair. This team is not led by, but includes Chris Pratt, who is reluctant to follow these orders because he doesn’t agree with the exclusiveness of the park and general lack of respect for nature. Team leader Vincent D’onofrio is more than happy to play war games on some freeloading kids, so while trying to trap James and Ryan, the team accidentally breaches the paddock of some carnivorous dinosaur(s) and all Hell breaks loose!

Chris Pratt survives the breach, teams up with the kids, and works to find a way back to central command, knowing there is no way to ever contain or fight the dinosaurs. Back at central command, the building is empty, except in the genetics lab, Chris, James, and Ryan find a distraught BDH raiding the embryos.

“I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” she yells before injecting herself with Tyrannosaurus DNA! She mutates into a ginger/T-Rex hybrid and Chris Pratt distracts her with a flare while James tries to formulate an antidote using knowledge we foreshadowed to throughout the movie up to this point. Just as Chris Pratt is about to get eaten, Ryan fires the antidote into G-Rex’s mouth and she dissolves into bones and Ryan quips, “You just got… boned! Giggity..”

They leave the lab and go back out into the park looking for a boat when suddenly, flying saucers descend from the sky revealing… ARMED HYPER-INTELLIGENT SPACE DINOSAURS (basically Triceratons) who demand the embryos!

CAMERA PUSHES IN ON CHRIS PRATT AND KIDS

CHRIS PRATT

Well this… ex-stinks.

CUT TO TEXT CARD: TO BE CONTINUED IN “JURASSIC SPACE”!

Hey guys. Writing a major Hollywood script is hard.