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Art House Asshole : The Manifesto

| July 4, 2017

You know how when you’re wanting to go to the movie theater and you look up all the films that are showing and there are alway at least three that you’ve never heard of, let alone have any interest in seeing? Well, good news! I’ve seen those movies. I spend most of my theater experiences in art house theaters watching those movies that you’ve never heard of and then never watch. Yeah, I’m that hipster asshole. My goal with this is to spread information out about these films, that way you can decide one of the following. “That actually sounds pretty cool! I want to see that now!” or “Man, I’m glad I decided to go see the new superhero movie!”. So without further ado, here is my article and review of The Manifesto.

So this film is the most self-indulgent film I’ve seen in a long time. It thinks it’s so much better than everyone else and that only it’s opinion could possibly be correct. Seriously, I’ve met the most pretentious films students of all time and they would think this film is going too far. I’m sure the director masturbated while making this film. So much so that instead of reviewing this film, I’ve just copy and pasted a guide of how to masturbate. So Julian Rosefeldt, next time you feel like subjecting us mere mortals to your genius, please read this and spare us the eye rolling.

The basic way to masturbate is to lightly grip your penis in one hand, with your fingers underneath and thumb on top.

You then move your hand up and down the shaft. Don’t go too hard or fast to start with – start slow and build up.

With some experimentation you’ll be able to find the finger position, speed and strength of grip that most stimulates you.

If you like, you can pull your foreskin back and include the penis head in the up and down movement.

If you find the exposed penis head is too sensitive, it helps to use lubricant. Alternatively, you can keep the foreskin in place, so it acts as a protective barrier between your hand and the penis head.

Even if you only use your hands to masturbate, you can still add some variety and extra pleasure.

Try not to get stuck on just using your strong hand, as there are some fun ways to include your other hand:

• Sometimes only use your other hand when masturbating.

• Have a go at using both hands at the same time. If you can put them one next to the other on your shaft, lucky you and your future partner. If you’re like most mortal men and you can’t, try squeezing your penis between your palms and experimenting with a stroking action.

• Use one hand to move up and down the shaft while the other plays with the penis head, for example doing a circular motion with the palm.

Remember the last time you got hit hard in the balls, collapsing to the floor with that agonizing nauseous feeling while everyone laughed at you?

Yep, your testicles are seriously sensitive!

They can also be much more than simply an oddly shaped storage facility.

They are in fact an erogenous zone which you can use to heighten your pleasure and orgasms when masturbating.

If you’re only using one hand to masturbate, your other hand is free to explore other parts of your body. Here are a few ideas for including your balls:

• Pull them slightly downwards while masturbating.

• Try caressing, stroking or tickling them – experiment to see exactly what feels good.

• Try just holding them in a light grip with the other hand.

There’s also an important health reason to get to know how your testicles feel. If you know what they feel like normally, you’ll be quicker to spot any unusual lumps or growths, which is important to keep a check on during your life.

It’s a popular belief that only women have multiple erogenous zones. However, the truth is that your body is far more sensitive than you might think (just look at Robin Hood’s inability to shoot straight when Maid Marian blew in his ear).

For example, try playing with your nipples – yes, your nipples! – and experiment with different strokes, pinches, pressure and movements.

Try caressing the inside of your thighs or your stomach. And if there’s anywhere else on your body that feels good to touch, enjoy exploring the different sensations that arise.

Some guys are more sensitive than others in different areas, so it’s up to you to find out what works for you when masturbating. There are no rules, so don’t be shy – get to know your own body and find out what floats your boat.

The Perineum is the area between your anus and testicles. It’s a soft padded bit of skin which can be very sensitive to touch. You can try caressing it or pushing it gently with your one hand you use the other to masturbate.

Tempting as it might be to lock the bedroom door and sit in the same position every time you masturbate, it can be fun to try other positions from time to time.

Here are 4 ideas:

• Lie on your front on the bed, with your penis in one hand underneath your body. It might be easier and more comfortable to arrange some pillows under you to take some weight off your hand. You can then move your hips to thrust into your hand.

• Try kneeling or standing, and also then try thrusting into your hand rather than always keeping your body still and stroking with your hand.

• Change positions during your session: kneeling, standing, sitting, swapping hands or anything you can think of to add variety.

• Some readers have commented about how they sometimes like to put their penis between their thighs and then move their legs up and down. It’s a technique that’s probably not that common, but might be fun to explore if you can do the necessary yoga.

Some say the male G-Spot is like the lost city of Atlantis, and never existed in the first place; others claim that guys are in fact blessed with 2 different G-spots.

Whether they are officially G-spots or not, many guys find these areas particularly sensitive, and that they can increase the intensity of their orgasms enormously.

The first is the area on and around the frenulum – that weird string-like fleshy bit that connects the penis head to the shaft and you always wondered what it did.

If you play with it gently with your spare hand, you’ll probably find it’s the most sensitive part of your penis.

The second G-spot might not appeal to everyone, but some guys like to include their anus when masturbating.

If you’re willing to explore this area, you might find it adds an extra dimension to your masturbation and gives you super strength orgasms. Here’s how to find it:

• Wash your anus and hands before starting.

• Put some lubricant on your finger.

• Rub around the outside of your anus to begin with.

• Gently insert a finger as far as is comfortable.

• You can then just keep the finger inside while you masturbate with your other hand as normal, or move it gently in and out.

• The G-Spot is supposedly a small area a couple of inches inside. It should feel like a little ball just over an inch in diameter, which is actually the outside of the prostate. You can softly rub this spot if you manage to find it.

By now you’ve probably worked out that the key to great masturbation is to experiment and find out what really works for you. Try to be open-minded, but if there are things that just don’t appeal or do it for you, don’t worry about it!

There are two ideas in this article that I recommend above all others. First, take your time when masturbating and don’t rush it. Something Julian Rosenfeldt should take into consideration.

About the Author:

Henry Jarvis is the youngest member of the Reel Nerds. His favorite films include Space Jam and Dude, Where’s My Car? and Lawrence of Arabia. He enjoys those pretentious art house films that Ryan hates. He sees a lot of movies! Honestly more than he should. He replaces his lack of social skills and meaningful friendships with his love of cinema! He’s also crying while he writes this biography for himself. His favorite directors are Andrei Tarkovsky, David Fincher, and David Lean.
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