Ryan Ranks 33 Kick Ass Jason Statham Movies!

| April 13, 2015

stathamgunIt all started with a joke. When Parker came out in 2013, the trailer was silly. Jason Statham delivered a line to Jennifer Lopez that he needed her to strip because, “I have to know if you’re wearing a wire.” It was an excuse to see Lopez strip, or so it seems. After a running joke on the Podcast, I decided to watch all of Statham’s movies. And I found out that I had a blast and most of his movies were a lot of fun. I have seen most of them,(Turn It Up and The Pink Panther remain elusive) and I decided to rank them and let you see how I judge the toughest bloke in England. And hey, here’s that scene  from Parker that started me on this journey, enjoy!

33. In The Name of The King: A Dragon Siege Tale: Jason Statham plays a man named Farmer, because he is a farmer in this(surprise!) Uwe Boll crapfest. Statham cannot save this movie, horrible story, horrible editing, and horrible pacing plague this film, it’s like Boll doesn’t know how to make a film…

32. Ghosts Of Mars: John Carpenter is one of the greatest horror directors ever, and this might be his worst film. Statham is part of a team that is investigating what is happening to colonists of Mars. The movie can’t get past it’s clunky story and it feels like Carpenter is bored telling the story, cool gore effects though.

31. Revolver: Guy Ritchie makes cool movies. This is not one of them. The story is a mess and all the great actors cannot elevate the material. Statham plays Jake a man released from prison who seeks revenge on those who put him there. Gambling scenes are fun, the ending is a drug trippy mess.

30. Transporter 3: The first two Transporter films are a lot of fun. This one is ok, but it is ruined by a horrible actress who plays Valentina, the package he must transport. The action is cool, but man that lady is annoying.

29. 13: Statham isn’t in this film too much and the idea is interesting but it’s a little  unbelievable. The story revolves around an underground game of Russian Roulette. Wealthy men bet on who lives and who dies. The movie collapses on it’s premise about 3/4 if the way through and can’t recover.

28. Mean Machine: This film is a remake of The Longest Yard but instead of American Football, it’s the other kind of football. Statham plays Monk, a crazy convict in solitary who happens to be an amazing goalie. Vinnie Jones stars but the laughs and the drama never really land.

27. Redemption: An interesting film about an ex-special forces who escapes a court martial and tries to find some redemption. The movie has its moments but not enough to elevate it to the Statham elite.

26. London: I actually liked this film more then I thought I would. Chris Evans and Jessica Biel star as drug abusers at a party in London. The performances are really tight, plus bonus points for Jason Statham playing against type.

expendables25. The Expendables 3: What a letdown. After the awesomeness of The Expendables 2, the third chapter of The Expendables 3 is a neutered PG-13 shell of the previous film. It’s still fun, but we also have to endure what I call “Expendables: The Next Generation.” So all the cool action stars disappear for a good chunk of the movie and it makes the movie drag.

24. War: Jet Li and Jason Statham battle it out in this almost, so close to being really cool action flick. Statham is Crawford an FBI agent who is hot on the trail of “Rogue” a mysterious assassin who killed his partner. The last fight is of course of the chains.

23. Chaos: Ryan Phllippe plays a cocky young cop who teams up with Statham’s grizzled vet, Conners. The film follows them as they try to capture a clever bank robber played by Wesley Snipes. Too many twists and turns hurt the credibility of the picture but there are some cool moments.

22. Killer Elite: Clive Owen and Robert De Niro co-star is this action thriller that is almost cool. Great actors and some sweet gun battles help, but with this much talent you would expect this to be an action classic.

21. Blitz: This is a pretty gory film about a serial killer who targets police officers and it’s up to Jason Statham’s Brant to catch him. Gritty and intense, the ending is awesome.

20. The One: At the height of the Matrix craze game this fun little film about a man who travels from different worlds killing different versions of himself to make himself all powerful. Statham plays a cop who’s job it is to bounce from world to world and try to stop him. Cool fights and effects make this a fun, but flawed sci-fi actioner.

19. Crank: High Voltage: The sequel to the crazy Crank is even more crazy. Yes Chev Chelios fell out of a helicopter at the end of Crank, but he receives a heart transplant that needs to be constantly electrically charged, I am not making this up. It’s crazy and a hell of a lot of fun. Turn of your brain and enjoy the ride.

18. TransporterGnomeo and Juliet: A cute little animated take on Romeo and Juliet that stars lawn gnomes. Statham plays Tybalt and has fun doing so. The film features some catchy Elton John songs, kids will love it.

17. The Transporter 2: Frank Martin is trying to lay low in Miami but when he is accused of kidnapping the son of an USA official it’s time to kick ass. Awesome fights continue the coolness of the Transporter series.

16. The Italian Job: A remake of a heist film from the 70’s features some cool car chases and of course double crosses. Just a good time with Mini Coopers.

15. The Expendables: Sylvester Stallone had an amazing idea of taking action stars of the 80’s and 90’s and mashes them together in one big movie. It’s over the top and totally bad ass. The Expendables are a group of mercenaries who are hired by the CIA to overthrow a Latin Dictator. Once they get there it’s on, fists and bullets fly non-stop.

14. Cellular: Despite being trapped in the early 2000’s this thriller is pretty tight. Chris Evans stars as a man who gets caught up in a kidnapping and tries to save Kim Basinger, but he doesn’t know where she is. Statham plays Ethan, one bad dude. Some cool twists pepper the last 1/3 of the film.

13. Wild Card: Nick Wild is a Las Vegas bodyguard who wants out of Vegas and if wasn’t for a gambling problem he would be. When he gets tangled with the mob, ass kickings ensue. I enjoyed this film and the action is well shot and choreographed.

12. Crank: Chev Chelios is an assassin who has a poison injected into him, he will die unless he can keep his heart rate up. This movie is crazy and totally fun. Movies like this only work if you are willing to accept the craziness and enjoy the ride, if you do that it is one hell of a ride.

11. Safe: Another Statham film that surprised me on how cool it is. Statham plays a cage fighter named Luke who after crossing the Russian Mob, they kill his wife and he becomes an alcoholic. He meets a young girl who has the amazing ability to memorize numbers. Statham takes it upon himself to save and protect the young girl, and kick Russian, Chinese, and corrupt NYC cops asses up and down the street.

10. Death Race: Totally balls crazy movie about a prison where the inmates participate in a race for their freedom. The races are broadcast on Pay-Per View and makes the rich richer. Sweet car races, over the top violence make this one heck of a cool movie.

9. Homefront: Phil Broker is a former DEA agent who wants to live a quiet life, but when he gets tangled up with a local meth dealer named Gator, his former life comes back. Statham is in top form and the script by Sylvester Stallone is awesome, plus James Franco as Gator is fun.

8. Parker: The most infamous movie in Reel Nerds history, is also pretty fun. Parker is a new age Robin Hood he only steals from people who deserve it, the bad guys. Fun script and tonally different then the trailer would have you believe, Parker is one hell of a ride.

7. The Mechanic: Arthur Bishop is a hit man who demands perfection. When his mentor is killed he sets out to find the men who did it, and takes on an apprentice. Statham is great in this bit so too is Ben Foster, as Steve. Violent and dark this movie will have you guessing until the end.

6. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: The movie that gave us Guy Ritchie also is Jason Statham’s first film. Loads of fun and British hijinks ensue when a card game goes wrong. Ritchie’s style is firmly established in this film and would serve him well a couple of years later.

5. The Expendables 2: Take everything you loved about The Expendables and turn it all the way up and you get this bad ass picture. When one of their own is killed by a vicious mercenary played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, the Expendables will stop at nothing to finish him. Shoot out in an airport and killer brawls make this a winning sequel.

4. Furious 7: Amped up seventh entry in The Fast and The Furious series sees Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw plan his revenge against the men and women who hurt his brother. Breathtaking action scenes, hard hitting fights are the highlights of this crazy film. The fight between the Rock and Jason Statham is worth the price of admission alone.

3. The Transporter: The Transporter Frank Martin will deliver any package no questions but with three rules. Rule 1: Never change the deal. Rule 2: No names. Rule 3: Never look in the package. Frank breaks rule 3 when he notices that the package is moving. Action and car chases are top notch in this film. It also establishes this bizarre troupe where Frank takes his shirt off in every Transporter film and uses it as a weapon. The fight in the garage is also a big highlight. An action packed good time.

2. Snatch: Take everything that is great about Lock, Stock and add Brad Pitt as an Irish Gypsy who you can’t understand and you have one hell of a cool movie. Statham plays a shady boxing promoter who enlists Pitt’s Mickey O’Neil to help him make money. Funny and violent Ritchie’s film hits on all cylinders.

thebankjob1. The Bank Job: Here it is my favorite Jason Statham film, The Bank Job. Statham plays Terry Leather who along with his amateur buddies decide to rob a bank on Baker Street. What he and his friends don’t realize is there is something more valuable inside the vault then money. Tense, superbly acted and shot, The Bank Job is a movie that doesn’t let you catch your breath.

This has been one of the coolest binges I’ve gone on. I was surprised on how much I truly enjoyed most of Jason Statham’s films. He is charismatic and one tough dude. If you are curious on who will be the next subject of ranking films it will be Tom Cruise! I am almost finished with his films so look for that article soon, until then let me know your favorite Statham films so we can compare!

 

About the Author:

As far as nerds go, there are not many reeler than Ryan. His love for movies is unmatched. He also loves comic books. When you combine comic books and movies Ryan is at his happiest. He enjoys all forms of pop culture and prides himself on knowing more then average nerds. Ryan has a couple of characters he prefers over the rest, first and foremost is Spider-Man. He also loves Ash from the Evil Dead. Ryan also enjoys Finishing people in Mortal Kombat and hopping on Goombas. He has attended Comic-Con and several Starfests with his good buddy Brad. He is amazed on how awesome Brad is at designing Reel Nerds pages. But don’t tell Brad he needs to stay humbled. Favorite movie: Army Of Darkness Favorite Genres: Action, Horror, Comic Book, Comedy
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