White Coats

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White Coats : Her Name Was Lisa

Be Lisa’s Next Victim!

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James requested it, so I got my hands on a copy of Her Name Was Lisa, a film directed by Roger Watkins starring Samantha Fox as the titular Lisa. If those two names don’t mean anything to you, good! They shouldn’t! But if you are curious and don’t want to open up a secret internet window, Roger Watkins was a mid-tier pornographic director who also made a few horror films in his time. Samantha Fox was actually a fairly famous and notorious pornographic actress. And in case you were wondering by now, no this film is not a sexploitation film like I was hoping it was going to be. This is just a straight up pornographic film.

Our story begins where all great pornos begin, at a funeral. The titular Lisa is dead. Are you excited yet? Because I’m sure not. In a weird way, this film is basically a porn version of the 1954 Humphrey Bogart film The Barefoot Contessa. The film is told in flashback as people remember their fondest memories of Lisa, which most of the time involves hardcore sex.

The first memory is from this one photographer. Lisa comes to him and is like “I’m a model I guess”, they honestly never really establish who Lisa is or what Lisa wants. Which is strange for a film that is centered around Lisa and her life. But anyway, Lisa shows up to this modeling gig and begins modeling. What’s amazing though is that the photographer doesn’t own a camera. Lisa is modeling and the photographer is sitting down just kind of watching her. I don’t know what kind of business this guy is running but I don’t imagine his income is very high if this is how he operates his business. Then they have sex. And I was concerned because this was at the seven-minute mark and now the story can’t really progress because all of the sexual tension is gone. Don’t worry though. I was wrong.

So then the next scene is a few weeks later and they are doing another session. The photographer isn’t important for this scene, so he has a camera now. Also Lisa is blonde now for some reason. She is never blonde again for the rest of the film. Part of me thinks it honestly might be a different actress. But anyway, the photographer is a tool and is angry for some reason. She is like “Bruh, calm down. What’s your deal?” and he’s like “The producer is coming today and I don’t want you to meet him!” Then like a Scooby Doo villain the producer shows up and is standing behind them and tells the photographer to go get them food. The producer and Lisa start talking. Lisa is clearly not into him and does not want to be around him. And is also pretty creepy and I wasn’t a fan of this scene. But then the sex music starts playing and Lisa is totally into him for plot purposes and the two have a long and boring sex scene. The entire scene I was thinking “what happens when the photographer shows up and walks in on his fat producer naked lounging around his studio?” So I guess the director had a great sense of tension when directing the scene. The photographer does end up showing up and walking in on this and the producer just says “You should have knocked!”

We then hard cut back to the funeral. It’s kind of hilarious how this film bounces from straight up sex with full penetration, to these bad porn actors trying to be sad at this fake funeral. I’ll also say that what was nice about reviewing this film is that I really only had to watch it with a critical eye for maybe twenty minutes of its hour and a half runtime because I could just tune out during the sex scenes. Nice and refreshing viewing experience.

The next flashback presented is the memory from the producer. Apparently, that sex was so good that they got married and had a long marriage of growth and love. Just kidding. The memory from the producer is this one time that he came home and she was a dominatrix and they had sex. It’s a long scene that is primarily just him naked being sexually tortured. If I could have fast-forwarded, I would have. She then goes to a sauna and meets Carmen! Carmen is played by Vanessa del Rio who at the time was a medical researcher attempting to find a cure for AIDS. Just kidding. She was another pornographic actress. Now according to the bio for this film, Carmen is the main antagonist. But after watching it, Carmen is in like two scenes and doesn’t do really anything.

Hard cut back to the funeral. People are still sad. This film is really well written.

Then Lisa and the producer are hanging out at home and the producer is having some friends over. Lisa for some reason thinks that the producer will be leaving and just the friends would be there. Which is very foolish but I honestly don’t even care anymore. So the friends show up and in a really dark and uncomfortable turn, the friends rape Lisa while the producer watches and masturbates. I was really losing my patience with the film around this point.

Lisa then meets up with Carmen in the sauna again and the two have the obligatory lesbian sex scene. And then Lisa dies. The end.

So yeah. I went in expecting a fun sexploitation film. And instead I got a bad porno that wasn’t exciting at all and involved rape and poorly done BDSM, and on top of that, the overarching plot revolves around a funeral where everyone is crying. So even on a porn level, this film is a failure. Why do I do this to myself? I could have watched an Italian Neo-Realism film. Or an American New Wave film. Or hell I could have watched one of the Erotic Thrillers from the 90s. But instead I watch Sad Funeral The Porno.

Articles, Review, White Coats

White Coats – Five Deadly Venoms

Pick your Poison!

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There’s nothing quite like a good Martial Arts Film! Unfortunately, this isn’t really one of those. I wouldn’t call it a good film but rarely are exploitation/kung fu films. So I’ll excuse it. But there is also only like one good fight scene in the film. That is kind of tiresome.

Five Deadly Venoms, also known as The Five Venoms, is a Hong Kong film directed by Chang Cheh and is part of The Shaw Brothers line up of films. Five Deadly Venoms follows a young Martial Arts Student who’s master dies but warns him that his five previous students, each with different fighting styles, might use those powers for evil. So the young student must track down and prevent the this from happening. That’s the setup.

The film is one hundred percent not that though. Basically the evil that they might use their powers for, ends up being the fact that there is a hidden treasure and it essentially becomes a Martial Arts version of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Also, the young student doesn’t really need to defeat them because most of the film ends up being a courtroom drama. The young student finds that the student who studies Toad fighting style is a good guy. Then the rest of the students try to frame him for murder. That’s what most of the film ends up being about. A courtroom drama can be a cool film. But when I walk into a kung fu film, I expect a kung fu film. Not a mistrial and political thriller. Especially with the title Five Deadly Venoms. I’d expect more!

But let’s talk about the Martial Arts, because really if you are walking into one of these films, that’s what you are looking for. And the fight scenes are few and far between. There are a couple that shows off the fighting styles, which really just end up being superpowers. The big one is the Toad’s fighting style which allows him to not be penetrated or really have any weakness. This makes him invincible, which also makes his fight sequences fairly boring. The only real interesting fight scene is at the end when five of the students (one of them died along the way), end up facing each other. That one is interesting but the actual movements and choreography never really changes throughout the scene. Making the scene end up being boring. It doesn’t help that two of the styles, Scorpion and Snake, are essentially the same thing with minor caveats. The final fight goes on for a bit too long then ends suddenly and along with the fight scene the entire film ends. It feels unfulfilling in a way. I wanted the fight sequences to be a bit more. I guess it’s personal preference but I wish the kung fu film had more kung fu and less courtroom drama.

I will say that in a very kung fu film fashion, my favorite part of the film is the dramatic overacting done by the performers. If I haven’t completely persuaded you to not see this film, then one thing I will say in its favor is that those elements to make a few of the scenes fun. How certain elements of the film are shot are also fun. I will say that my experience might have been a little tainted because around ten minutes into the film, a group of people came and sat behind me. This involved them using my seat as a cane and jerked around my seat to find theirs. They then proceeded to grunt and go “oh no” and “oh damn” every two minutes in the film. It was awful and it ruined my mood. So I might have liked the film a bit more if I wasn’t annoyed by them. Also, if you are part of those people, I hope your parents get divorced and you recognize that it’s your fault.

Anyway, not super impressed by the film. Wish it was a bit more fun. But apparently, I might be in the minority as a bunch of rappers have apparently written songs about this film. Which is interesting I guess. So if you are a rapper and are interested in writing a song, maybe this film will be up your alley! Check it out in that case I guess.

Articles, Review, White Coats

White Coats : Vampyros Lesbos

A PSYCHO-SEXADELIC HORROR FREAKOUT!

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So I’ve been meaning to watch this one for awhile. Vampyros Lesbos is arguably the most famous film directed by exploitation master Jesús Franco. The poster for this film of Soledad Miranda sitting with her legs open wearing what appears to be only a scarf is pretty iconic. But also on top of everything, the film is called Vampyros Lesbos for christ sake. Why wouldn’t I be interested in this film? So yeah. This review is for Vampyros Lesbos.

Vampyros Lesbos is Jesús Franco’s 36th film and fits his standard fare. Female main character, obviously a lot of sex and nudity, and long scenes taking place in a Strip Club. The difference from the rest of his work up until this point is the fact that the main character is a lesbian. Or has lesbian tendencies. Or isn’t a lesbian but is hypnotized. Or is a lesbian but wants to suppress it. Or is a lesbian and doesn’t want to suppress it but is in a mental institution where everyone is super cool with her being a lesbian. Honestly, I got a little lost along the way. But the important part is the main character is a lesbian.

Vampyros Lesbos follows a woman named Linda who is played by a Swedish Actress named Ewa Strömberg. Fun fact about Strömberg, she was a fairly successful actress in Sweden before working on this film with Franco. This is the first of five films that she made with Franco in 1971, then she was so fed up with Jesús Franco that she retired and was never seen ever again. So that’s neat. Anyway, Linda is kind of just hanging out in Turkey. Meanwhile, Nadine, a beautiful vampire gets her rocks off by luring people into her nightclub and eating/killing/having sex with them. Nadine is like “Hey! I’m going to get this Linda girl up in this club!” And then she does that.

The film opens with this strange lap dance performed by Soledad Miranda. And in case you are unaware of who Soledad Miranda is, her story is pretty interesting. She was a Spanish pop singer and occasional actress. She made a cameo in one of Franco’s earlier films before being the poster figure for this film. Her husband was a famous race car driver. The two had a child in 1967, which prompted Miranda to retire from media for a bit to raise her family. She eventually returned with her first big film that she returned with being Vampyros Lesbos. Tragically she and her husband were in a car crash shortly after this film wrapped production and she was killed before the film was ever released. But anyway, the film starts with this art-house like lap dance performed by her.

Then Linda is hypnotized and then goes to the island. A guy tells her she shouldn’t go to the island and she asks why, to which he tells her to meet her in the basement that night. That night Linda goes downstairs and sees that dude torturing someone and he is all surprised when she walks in on him. This was confusing to me because I genuinely don’t know what he was expecting. Either this wasn’t planned and he just accidentally started torturing this person in the basement while he was setting up refreshments to meet with Linda, time got away from him and then Linda walks in while he is torturing the person. OR, this was his way of flirting with Linda. Like hey, come to the basement and we can torture this bloke together. And he was just shocked that she wasn’t into it. Regardless, she then goes to the island.

So Linda and the Countess Vampire start hanging out naked and having sex with each other and it’s whatever. Honestly after the lap dance scene, in the beginning, I was like “I’ve seen it all now so the mystery is gone” so I didn’t care about the two sunbathing naked. While these two are doing all this stuff, Goth Art Garfunkel is just kind of hanging out. Goth Art Garfunkel is played by Andre Monales, a Spanish actor who has acted in two films, Vampyros Lesbos, and the redundantly named Nightmares Come at Night. Goth Art Garfunkel I thought was Nadine’s assistant. After reading the Wikipedia page for this film I found out that he is actually her husband. Who knew. Goth Art Garfunkel spends the rest of the film trying to stop their romance in a very Looney Tunes fashion. It’s kind of bullshit and I totally didn’t care about anything he was doing.

I’m getting bored just writing about this so here is the long and short of the rest of the film, Linda wakes up in a hospital the next day and is super disturbed and (in love?). Doctors try to help her. That doesn’t work. She hangs out with Nadine a couple more times. Then everyone dies. But yeah, that’s the story of the film.

One thing I haven’t mentioned is that there are a bunch of symbolism shots in the film throughout. Like a shot of a butterfly, a grasshopper, and a kite. I’m sure they represent something but I don’t care at all. The opening lap dance set the tone and I didn’t adjust after that for some art-house symbolism bullshit. So if you cut those parts out the film would probably be shorter but I imagine anyone watching this film is probably fast-forwarding through those parts anyway.

This film is exactly what you expect and a bit more. Not a lot more. The film is actually pretty well and interestingly shot for a film of this nature. But you know, it’s a Jesús Franco film. You are going to walk away thinking “Yeah, that was a Jesús Franco film”. If you are expecting anything different, you must be new to these parts.

White Coats

White Coats : Nude on the Moon

Man discovers a NATURE CAMP on the MOON!

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Nude on the Moon is technically classified as a “nudist film”, but the reasoning is fairly weak. Nudist Films were exploitation films made as a loophole before the Excelsior Films V. New York Board of Regents in 1954. Basically, before this landmark court case, it was considered obscene to have any nudity in film. This combined with the Haynes Code, it was fairly difficult for anyone to have any nudity in their films. However, somewhere able to get around this by labeling their films as “Nudist Films”. This would mean the film isn’t obscene or perverted but instead is educational about the lifestyle of Naturalists. And the lifestyle of Naturalists often includes nudity. Thus filmmakers were able to get around this rule and show nudity in their films.

Though, as you watch nudist films, you will realize that they often are fairly one-sided. Often focusing and romanticizing the breasts of the female members of the naturalist camp. Rarely ever focusing on the genitalia or bodies of the men in the camps. Yes, those films exist, but they are much less common than the former. Typically nudist films don’t have a lot of plot in them as they are essentially documentaries about communities. You get people just kind of existing. Rarely are there any plot points or character development in this brand of filmmaking.

That’s where Nude on the Moon comes in. Like I said earlier, this film barely classifies as a nudist film. I would honestly call it a more spacesploitation film before a nudist film, but even that is a stretch. Really at the end of the day, this film makes absolutely no sense and doesn’t fit into a genre.

Nude on the Moon was made in 1961, which is eight years before the moon landing. So keep that in mind when this film isn’t completely and scientifically accurate. Nude on the Moon follows the two employees of the US Space program. Yes, there are only two of them. Why would we ever need more than that? You only need two people to build, operate, and command a space program. Everyone knows this. So these two dudes are like “Yeah! Let’s go to space!” And their secretary is very supportive about this. They even make reference to this in the beginning of the film and say that “Man, our secretary really puts everything out there and makes sure that we get out job done!” Eat your heart out Hidden Figures because we have a much better film about women in the space program here! We then don’t see this secretary figure for the rest of the film pretty much.

So our two heroes, who I will refer to as Old Guy and Dr. Handsome because I honestly don’t think they ever say their names, then get in their space ship and fly to the moon. This of course only takes two hours. It’s like a Sunday Drive. Old Guy and Dr. Handsome get out of their spaceship and wear the safest space suits to ever be put on screen. Old guy wears a red pair of long underwear with some football padding on it. Dr. Handsome wears the same thing but in green that way, they can tell each other apart. They also have state of the art helmets, which are pieces of plastic that is in no way connected to the rest of the suit and in multiple shots we can see that they are resting on their heads with bottoms completely open to the moon air. I honestly don’t know why NASA made those dumb looking ones when they had this film to show them how radical and cool the space suits could be.

Old Guy and Dr. Handsome land on the moon, which as we all know is Florida. Now, decades later, it is obvious how smart and ahead of it’s time Nude on the Moon was. As we all know, the moon is a lush swamp/jungle and there are pools and lakes all over it that are perfect for bathing in. Next year in college I’m taking a class called “Foliage of the Moon”, and this film really helped me prepare for it. Old Guy and Dr. Handsome look around the moon and are like “Wow! The Moon is super cool!” Then it gets even cooler because who would have thought, but the Moon is completely inhabited by naturalists! Except you know, they technically wouldn’t be considered as such because they are all wearing shorts. But besides that all of the women are topless! And the two guys look pretty good too, but we aren’t going to focus on that.

Then they meet the Moon Queen played by Marietta. I have spent a lot of time researching who this woman is and I can’t find anything. I don’t know if she was a singer, a burlesque dancer, a stripper, or some woman from down the street. I don’t know why she only has one name. She only starred in this film and made one appearance on The Jack Pair Tonight Show as herself one year before the release of this film. I can also find out no information about that episode. Please if you know anything about Marietta, tell me. Because I need to know why she only has one name.

Anyway, the Moon Queen does some kind of hypnotist thing or whatever. I honestly didn’t understand any of the second act of this film. The second act is really where this film becomes a nudist film because you just see the aliens hanging out skimpily clothed. It’s whatever. While they are doing this Dr. Handsome is taking a bunch of Polaroid pictures.

Before we get to the ending, I forgot to mention that the aliens talk through antennas. These antennas are also conveniently headbands because the aliens also have a firm grip of fashion. This isn’t discussed in the film. I just know a good fashion choice when I see it. So Dr. Handsome goes over to the Moon Queen and gives her a candy bar. She eats it and the two are now in love. To the point where Old Guy is like “Yo! Dr. Handsome! We better get out of here because we don’t have oxygen and will die.” But Dr. Handsome is so in love with Moon Queen that he is like ‘Nah, I just going to hang out with Moon Queen and not go to Earth.” Then Old Guy is like “But bro, you will totally die if that happens.” And Dr. Handsome kind of just shrugs and doesn’t care. Which is odd considering the two fell in love without talking to each other or having any time with each other, besides the one scene immediately before this where Dr. Handsome gives the Moon Queen a candy bar. I also am confused as to why Dr. Handsome doesn’t just go back to Earth and refill on oxygen then go back to the Moon as it is only a two-hour drive. 

Dr. Handsome then says, “Why don’t we just bring the Moon Queen back to Earth?” to which Old Guy is like “No! You know we can’t do that!” Now the movie never actually tells us why they can’t bring Moon Queen to Earth. But I will break it down for you. Most likely what Old Guy was thinking was that if they take Moon Queen off of the Moon and bring her to Earth, yes things would be fine. There is no way that Moon Queen would have problems breathing Earth Air and the pressure of the atmosphere probably wouldn’t be an issue. The issue is that back on the Moon, there would be no Queen. There would be no ruler of the naturalist society. Upon realizing there is no ruler, the Moon would immediately break out into a complete hysteria. The two men would obviously murder everyone except the ones that they liked. They would keep that small toddler that was still growing into his antenna headband for breeding purposes. But in general, the Moon Nudist Society would crumble within hours of Moon Queen being gone. Then of course of the two men, jealousy would rise (presuming the aliens have the same emotional threshold that humans do). The two men would then battle it out to the death until they were both killed at the same time in a Seven on Thebes or Antigone kind of fashion. And once that would happen either the women would also have been killed at this point or the species would have died out with no way to repopulate. This was bound to happen because that’s how civilization works. So really Old Guy was thinking very diplomatically.

So through her antenna, Moon Queen also says that she loved Dr. Handsome, presumably because that candy bar was dope as hell. She also says that since she loves Dr. Handsome so much, she must force him to go. She then taps Dr. Handsome on the forehead and he passes out and Old Guy brings him to the ship. But keep in mind that the aliens can’t talk through their antenna to humans. So Dr. Handsome didn’t hear any of this. So in Dr. Handsome’s mind, Moon Queen just knocked him the fuck out for no reason.

So Dr. Handsome and Old Guy are flying back to Earth and having a nice chat. This is when Dr. Handsome reveals that he left the camera with all of the pictures on the Moon. This means that the two have no proof that the Nudist society exists. So they get to Earth and Old Guy is like “No one believes us, and I’m starting to think none of it actually happened.” Why Old Guy doesn’t believe himself anymore is beyond me. I’m blaming dementia. But Dr. Handsome is super bummed about the whole thing and how he will never be able to see his Moon Queen girlfriend again. It’s an understandable issue. But then the secretary from the beginning comes through the door! Yeah, she is still in the movie! And Dr. Handsome would recognize those bazongas anywhere! It’s the Moon Queen! He runs up and kisses her passionately and he is extremely happy.

Now there are multiple problems with this. Is Moon Queen and the secretary both the same character? If yes, then how the hell does that work? Secondly, if they aren’t the same character, then the secretary is probably extremely confused as she was just sexually assaulted by her boss, someone she hasn’t seen in at least six hours. This ending honestly makes no sense at all. But it’s a happy ending and Old Guy comes in and shakes his head then leaves. Old Guys response also doesn’t make any sense and is actually a lot more worrisome. But I’m probably thinking too much about a film called Nude on the Moon.

So the film really doesn’t fit the nudist film label. Primarily because Naturalist are not aliens, do not live on the moon, and don’t operate under a monarchy. But whatever. It’s a love story and Dr. Handsome is cute so it’s okay.

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