Editorial

The Lost Script: Jurassic World

Even though I said on the podcast that Jurassic World was an ‘okay’ movie, Ryan has been lumping me into the ‘it sucked’ camp because, for him, this type of movie doesn’t have to try for anything more than: park breaks, dinos get out, terrorize people, money well spent. And clearly, the rest of the world was fine with it too because, even after one week at the box office, it’s still selling record amounts of tickets. (I’ve seen it twice! In 2D and 3D IMAX)

And good for JP4! A lot of people worked really hard to make another summer blockbuster that does just that! It hits all the summer blockbuster checklist boxes it was designed to do and it worked. Hopefully Universal employees are getting fat bonuses this year after scoring two monster hits (Furious 7).

But, I’m not fine with JP4 just being ‘okay’. And again, I will clarify, Jurassic World IS NOT terrible or unwatchable or the worst movie of 2015. I just don’t think it’s that much more watchable than the other two sequels (which I also think are just okay, not terrible, not the worst movies of those years either) and certainly doesn’t capture the wonder of the first.

I wish it tried harder to be something more. I was never surprised or impressed or challenged with anything going on. I was simply along for the ride and I feel like on your fourth outing (after leaving the public consciousness for 15 years) you have a great chance to try something new. Take a chance!

I’m also a firm believer in that if you criticize something, offer up a better idea in its place and don’t just sit back and claim ‘they did it all wrong’ without providing the solution. So here’s my solution:

My biggest point of boredom with the movie was the story. So I present to you… MY plot synopsis for Jurassic World: The Brad is a Genius Edition:


The park is finally open!

The death of John Hammond and numerous lawsuits have left a void in the vision of his park. Lawyers and billionaires have wrangled the patents and rights solely back to the full ownership of inGEN who build the fully functioning park purely for profit, and in doing so, make it only affordable to the world’s wealthiest vacationers. (ubiquitous social commentary fulfilled)

Meanwhile, a young, female dino-enthusiast (let’s pick a name for her at random… how about… James!) from a lower-middle class family, dreams of one-day seeing a living-breathing dinosaur in-person. James’ classmates insist it’ll never happen unless she wins the lottery but she insists that by chasing a career in archaeology, she may someday get a job at the park.

But she can’t wait. And her best friend, Ryan, says he knows a way to sneak into this exclusive and highly secure park because he’s learned skills “on the streets”. So, they hitch-hike to the island via a series of street-smart scams and ruses and find a flaw in the park security much to the chagrin of park manager, Bryce Dallas Howard.

Knowing her billionaire boss will not stand for this security breach or the loss of revenue for two teenagers, BDH dispatches a team to track and incarcerate the plucky pair. This team is not led by, but includes Chris Pratt, who is reluctant to follow these orders because he doesn’t agree with the exclusiveness of the park and general lack of respect for nature. Team leader Vincent D’onofrio is more than happy to play war games on some freeloading kids, so while trying to trap James and Ryan, the team accidentally breaches the paddock of some carnivorous dinosaur(s) and all Hell breaks loose!

Chris Pratt survives the breach, teams up with the kids, and works to find a way back to central command, knowing there is no way to ever contain or fight the dinosaurs. Back at central command, the building is empty, except in the genetics lab, Chris, James, and Ryan find a distraught BDH raiding the embryos.

“I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” she yells before injecting herself with Tyrannosaurus DNA! She mutates into a ginger/T-Rex hybrid and Chris Pratt distracts her with a flare while James tries to formulate an antidote using knowledge we foreshadowed to throughout the movie up to this point. Just as Chris Pratt is about to get eaten, Ryan fires the antidote into G-Rex’s mouth and she dissolves into bones and Ryan quips, “You just got… boned! Giggity..”

They leave the lab and go back out into the park looking for a boat when suddenly, flying saucers descend from the sky revealing… ARMED HYPER-INTELLIGENT SPACE DINOSAURS (basically Triceratons) who demand the embryos!

CAMERA PUSHES IN ON CHRIS PRATT AND KIDS

CHRIS PRATT

Well this… ex-stinks.

CUT TO TEXT CARD: TO BE CONTINUED IN “JURASSIC SPACE”!

Hey guys. Writing a major Hollywood script is hard.

GROWLS AND ‘SWELLS’: AN ANALYSIS OF CLINT EASTWOOD (PART 5)

EPISODE 5: BASED ON A TRUE STORY

It was bound to happen folks. I could not avoid it for long. We found a group of films that DON’T… HAVE… CLINT!

(Cue Dramatic Look Gopher or whatever this generation uses as it’s cue of suspense)

Granted, 2 of the films in Episode Three did not have Clint in them, but now they take up an entire article.

As it turns out, these films share a common thread: inspired by true events. When it comes to biopics and true life stories, Clint has managed to show off what he can do without his charisma in front of the camera. In these, as with any of his off screen endeavors, he shows a distinct style thats driven toward what can either be described as ‘new wave noir’ or ‘melodrama throwback in glorious technicolor.’ Regardless of the label, Clints visual style is enticing and at many times downright brilliant in its simplicity and use of shadows. He brings an air of mystery to the proceedings, and in the case of these films manages to provide true suspense out of something where the ending is widely known going in. He paints a rather interesting view of history that has surprising amount of balance if you sit down and watch the film without any prior convictions going in, and if you do have said convictions he still manages to present both sides in a fair light.

So join us as we explore the exploits of an FBI director, a South African President, an oppressed mother who’s child is missing, an affluent and shady antiques dealer, and an American hero…. These are, as Joe Friday would say, “Just the facts ma’am.”

(Cue Dragnet theme)

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INVICTUS

3 outta 4 Rugby balls

A film about Nelson Mandela seems like a better fit in the form of what eventually was made into the superb 2013 film LONG WALK TO FREEDOM.
Still, INVICTUS provides a different and in many ways more intriguing look at Mandela from a character stand point. How does this man whos journey landed him in prison then brought him to the presidency of South Africa affect him in the retrospect. What has Mandela lost in the long struggle for equality? What convinces him that a rugby match is the important lynchpin in uniting the country? What drives him to the decisions he makes?. You could answer all these rather simply, but the way Morgan Freeman plays Mandela one is more content and thrilled to watch him act it out then be handed a some bullet points on a napkin.

The films carries around an extreme amount of uplifting music laden across the Rugby matches and while not a big problem, probably would have been better in scarce use. It suffers the same problem that any true story faces: we know it turns out all right. So its really about building the tension rather than relying on too many uplifting moments. The strongest points in the film are when everything seems its darkest and we see Freeman and Damon really dig into the heart of the matter, which seems to be only shown in quick montage rather than more elaborated moments of reflection. You do really want to understand the tension in South Africa in addition to the inspiring Rugby game.

But, beggars cant be choosers, and INVICTUS is still a worthy watch with great performances and a wonderful heart that Clint beautifully brings to life on the screen.

J.EDGAR

3 outta 4 G-Men Badges in every box of Post Toasties

Leonardo DiCaprio has made a solid career of portraying real life figures after breaking free of the constraints of heartthrob of the moment. In an eloquent and stunning stretch he has played Frank Abignale Jr., Howard Hughes, and Jordan Belfort, and soon he will play fur trapper Hugh Glass.

Then theres the one people like to forget about… The one with the “interesting make up”.

J. EDGAR stands on a strong biopic premise that aptly covers the life and significant events of the controversial FBI Director who essentially brought criminal investigation into the realms of science and technology to aid in the catching of criminals while also running around believing that Bolshevik Communists would tear our country apart.

The film has two hiccups: the smaller one you dont notice off hand is the difficulty at times to find out if it wants to demonize Edgar or find sympathy and heroism in his story. Its a very difficult balancing act that divides generations, which while bold also nearly looses it’s footing. The second hiccup that everyone hears and says “Hey pal, want me to scare you so they’ll go away” is the old age make up on Leo and Armie Hammer. No matter how realistic it looks, it detracts from getting a good facial response from the actors delivering very powerful material dealing with Edgar and Tolson.

Still, the performances sell the film, and in a testament to Clints directorial approach, he lets the actors go into a very intriguing grey area where the audience has to decide where their sympathy is going to lie emotionally rather than politically. Leos performance is good and further shows that he deserves his mantle in the top tier of dramatic actors.

Props also go to the script by Dustin Lance Black, who’s clever writing addresses the subject with elegance and poise rather than typical “corrupt guy” movie.

CHANGELING

4 outta 4 Counts of Fuck Da Police

Gone is purely great ‘weepy’ in the US, so much so that when it succeeds, it gets relegated to the league of its inferior brothers and sisters. Some recent attempts fail to capture pure honesty and frustration out of its audience because they fall back on safe choices.

If there is one fault in Changeling, Im not seeing it. From the opening archived Universal logo and the dissolve from black and white to color, Clint Eastwood is aptly pointing us to a salute to the heartbreaking and frustrating dramas of the 40s, and for all but a few shots he succeeds in creating the closest modern day equivalent to those “Weepies” of the 30s and 40s. The cinematography, set well against the very dark and disturbing plot, never captures terrible acts. Rather it relies on a sort of Hays code restriction that forces us to merely imagine the worst rather than see it (save for flashes of violence that barely go beyond a quick cut of a bloody axe being lifted upward). Clints choices in the film are absolutely astounding.

The story follows Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie) searching for her son. When the LAPD returns mother to son there is a problem: they did not bring back the right child. This sets a story into motion that deals with police corruption, female disempowerment, male chauvinism, and ultimately terrible reality. The writer is J. Michael Stracyzinski. He has a background of film and comic book writing. There are elements of both through key monologues and characterizations where the line is clearly drawn between the persecuted and the corrupt. Its a move that never fumbles through even the very scarce over the top moments .

As for Jolie? I can not understate how powerful she is, bringing all the pure and utter horror and tragedy of a parent with a missing child without over doing it is a tough job that she handles with ease.

It’s a film that received mediocre acclaim upon release, but not even 7 years of time to ponder has seem to have convinced any one in this country of the films brilliance. Europe seems to get it though, as they usually do.

MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL

4 outta 4 Mint Juleps

Imagine a world where this film got a lot more credit than it initially received…. Im serious, do it, because that is the type of world I’d like to live in.

MIDNIGHT tells the true life story of the trials of Jim Williams, who was eventually acquitted of murder.

Its premise is simple but it’s setting, characters, and execution are not. Clint paints a portrait of the south that seems like the oddest of wonderlands filled with absolute focus on how the town functions and deals with mundane local gossip and questions of morality. Amidst this, he piles on a nice layer of spiritual nature that puts everyone on screen in a realm far beyond the constraints of a typical courtroom drama.

Adapting the books sense of humor amidst a dark situation is a huge gamble, a gamble that films FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS took when lifting liberally from the source material. The gamble pays off in strides in one goes in with an open mind.

It is a film that really asks you, the viewer, to step beyond its simple crime and explore the environment; described thusly by John Cusack as, “Gone With The Wind on mescaline.”

With any adaptation as prolific as this, there is room for dismissal. However MIDNIGHT (now approaching its 20th anniversary) must be left to the judgement of todays audience, which in the wake of the post-theatrical love of FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS might find charm and spellbound notions in this fascinating motion picture.

AMERICAN SNIPER

3.5 outta 4 Plastic Babies

The amount of controversy surrounding the most current Clint Eastwood directorial effort seems steeped in a national desire to pick a fight for the sake of picking a fight to garner political points on either side. Clints films will do that sometimes. The same attitude faced MILLION DOLLAR BABY back in 2004.

Regardless of any opinion within the realms of politics or patriotism, AMERICAN SNIPER is a damn powerful film that’s heart doesnt lie in what the rhetoric pundits dish out on. The film is about PTSD in the long run, and it does an amazing job of showing the small details that soldiers face with this affliction. In an incredible scene, Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) pounds hard on the glass of the room full of new arrivals, attempting to get the nurses to attend to his newborn daughter. It is a tense moment that says more than any monologue can on the subject of PTSD.

As for the war element… Well we are thrown into Kyles perspective, which indicates that we do need to step into shoes that feel uncomfortable, but you also see him through a transformation that is enticing to watch Bradley Cooper pull off with grace and grit.

There are really only two flaws with the films over all execution: a) it may have been best to show just a little more of the civilian life, even if that meant a 3 hour film (id easily sit down for it).
and b)….. That plastic baby…. I… If you…. And other thing…… ITS A PLASTIC BABY!!!!!

__________________

Man, you’d think this would all be getting old after 21 films. But we still got 36 more films to go. The only thing that will be getting old will be Clint himself, as next article we will tackle his recent status as resident grumpy old man.

GOLDEN AGE DAZE: THE PETRIFIED FOREST

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So this is what it’s like being a contributor…. Sitting in the back yard by a pool ready to write.

To elaborate: I have relocated to beautiful Costa Mesa, California, maintaining my sobriety in a sea of partying that seems only natural to the state.

These days what keeps me at now 83 days clean and going strong is a daily bottle or 3 of Mountain Dew, Tombstone Pizzas, and a nice bundle of Golden Age films.

The Golden Age of Cinema … Ahh, now there’s something refreshing in the slew of today (Just for Today, I will not see Seventh Son a second time… Just for today). Nothing quite sets the mood for the evening like the soft focus, the glamorous stars, and the Glorious Black and White (I’m the guy who made TWOMBLEY by the way folks, pleased to meet ya).

It’s with that in mind that I’ve decided to start a weekly goal for myself: Relive the glory days of cinema and spotlight a film from an age gone by; when studios ruled the stretch of land known as Hollywood, Actors were not able to freely choose projects, and all you had to wear as a director was puffy pants and a French beret (monocle optional).

But where to begin… I though it best to start in a film that felt most resonant in a time where my mind has been wandering around looking for purpose.

That is the essential point of today’s film , THE PETRIFIED FOREST.

Directed by Archie Mayo in 1936, the film has gained a reputation in history circles as the film that introduced us to the glory that is HUMPHREY BOGART. But that’s not all it is kids, it’s so much more.

Set in the small town of Black Mesa, Arizona, the film tells the story of wayward writer Alan Squire (a phenomenal Leslie Howard) in search of himself in the form of a hitch hiking tour of the hot dry desert. His travels lead him to a lonely Last Chance Diner inhabited by; a waitress named Gabby (Bette Davis), who dreams of Paris and its splendor of culture, a football hoodlum who’s after Gabbys heart, and an Old Timer who’s claim to fame was being shot at by Billy the Kid. The encounters soon enter a tense game when the notorious killer Duke Mantee (Humphrey Bogart) and his gang hold everyone at the diner hostage. As the night progresses, everyone’s desires are exposed at the thought of not knowing how the evening will turn out that ends with Alan Squire making the supreme sacrifice for Gabbys sake and the sake of all searching for purpose in the ever returning world where the ‘intellectuals’ are being struck back by the ‘beasts of pure animal instinct’

At its heart, it is another example of Warner Brothers supreme triumph in the world of the gangster picture. This studio took a one location stage play and molded it into an action thriller that seems the basis for films made in the present by Quentin Tarantino or Andrew Dominik (Killing Them Softly). Moreover it is a testament to patience, as the film is a talking head piece (as many films from this era are), though that does nothing to detract from the suspense it exudes.

At this time we shine a light on our actors. Lets start off simple with Bogart. According to the history books, Bogie studied the mannerisms of John Dillenger for his portrayal of Duke Mantee, and it shows in his swagger. When he enters the diner, he commands the room with the look and demeanor of a true beast in the thrush of society, where not much is left but survival at all costs… That is until we learn that his dame double crosses him. With one revelation we see the unraveling of a beast into pure and utter panic for the first time in his life. It’s certainly the breakout role in this film.

Then, lest we forget the cool and ‘so-sure’ Leslie Howard. He sees the world as if it is a novel waiting for its exciting conclusion, cavorting in a manner of fear for what he knows humans to be capable of until driven to a certain point. He is afraid because he knows the right answers, but dares not expose what he knows for fear of rejection. Then, as with his beast counter part Duke; Alan Squire, the intellectual, has his own revelation of his sense of self worth, and much like the stories he has read, he becomes comfortable with his fate in a way that can only be described the way the young folks call it: Badass.

All in all, the director, Mayo , maintains a solid stance on keeping true to the stage plays base intentions while throwing in the natural Warner Bros. flare that made their pictures some of the most popular of the era. His attention to detail with the look and feel of the desert scenery is poetic and in many ways shows you the power a beautiful matte painting can have when it’s photographed correctly (cinematographer Sol Polito deserves accolades here as well).

To sum it up, if you are looking for an intriguing battle of the minds centered in the loneliest part of America, THE PETRIFIED FOREST is right up your alley.

Next week we’ll review something else with Bogart in it. Paul Thomas Anderson’s favorite movie as a matter of fact; John Hustons THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE.

Till then, this is Zach Eastman, signing off back to the world of yesteryear to find more gems from the GOLDEN AGE DAZE

Say… That sounds like a great title for the column.

Oh and if you want to buy this amazing film, it’s available on Amazon

Best Use of FUCK

anchorman2intl_aThe MPAA in their infinite wisdom allow PG-13 movies to use the F-word just once, which, in my opinion has led to a wide-spread increase in the use of that word. Sometimes it feels like it’s just thrown in because filmmakers think that an action movie without it is somehow diminished, while other times it’s a gem. Correct usage of the F-word is not a fine art, but it’s an art no less, so let’s count down our favorite uses of the word this year.

oblivion-tom-cruise-olga-kurylenkoI don’t know why this one is so much fun, it hardly even makes any sense, but something about the way Tom Cruise delivers this line makes you laugh and cheer at the same time. In some ways I think they only use this line because they couldn’t think of anything truly smart to say, but I’m fine with that, because I guess I just like hearing Tom Cruise say…

AIL_RF_06991.NEFRobert Redford’s character is so calm throughout his entire ordeal at sea that when he finally breaks his silence it not the word but the way that it’s said that stretches on and on. It’s a wonderful scene and honestly makes the rest of the silence somehow more impacting.

kinopoisk.ruAs far as meaning goes, The World’s End should win. [SPOILERS] When The Network finally gets so frustrated by humanity at the end of the movie that it simply gives up and we are forever banished from entry into their galactic peace, there is really only one way that it can vent its frustration. The galaxy doesn’t just stop caring, it fails to give a…

anchorman2featureThis is a strangely subtle use of the F-word in a movie that pretty much doesn’t do anything else subtly. I would have expected them to use their one use in a more ridiculous or flashy way, but instead it is just a quiet little line delivered well by Will Farrell. When he’s confronted with his wife’s new boyfriend he becomes convinced that the strange man has psychic powers and is actively reading his mind. The scene ends with a frustrated little… well, you know.

Redband trailer for action-adventure film Hansel and Gretel Witch HuntersReally? I hear you asking. Yes, really. Hansel & Gretel doesn’t win because it’s the funniest, or the most badass, it wins because it sets the tone for the entire movie. Without this line you might have spent another twenty minutes trying to figure out just what this movie was trying to do, but in one sentence they make it clear that you are just here to mess about and have fun, and if that doesn’t work for you, than this wont be your kind of movie. When I first heard that line I knew I was going to enjoy this movie because it was obvious that the filmmakers weren’t taking themselves so seriously that they’d get in their own way. Hansel and Gretel seem to step out of some other world completely into a movie that should be garbage if not for the delicious scenery chewing that they bring with them. It’s not just the hillbillies that Hansel and Gretel feel they are better than, it’s everything else in this fucking movie.

Worst Criminals

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2013 was a year obsessed with making criminals of the least of us. These weren’t smart people taking advantage of a situation or desperate normal people choosing to break the law to survive. They weren’t motivated by sick children or exorbitant medical bills, they were fools grasping at thin air like hungry infants. As pervasive as this theme was this year, some of these movies were good while others left me completely unfulfilled.

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Before Spring Breakers came out every still or sneak peek seemed so bizarre that I could hardly believe that the movie was real. I was very intrigued by it. In the end it became a very divisive movie. Even before I got a chance to see it our friend Matty O’Connor came on the show and praised it, and I’ve heard people talk about loving it simply because of how crazy it is, and while I can appreciate that it doesn’t make me like the movie any more. I think that all the themes that Spring Breakers is playing with and the idea behind what this movie could have been is really great. Juxtaposing the empty, consumerist dreams of spring break beach parties with the sleezey and pathetic world of drug dealers and second-rate larceny seems really interesting. Dropping these girls into that criminal world and seeing how they react to it is a brilliant premise for exploring characters. But unfortunately the movie commits the same sin as it’s protagonists; it becomes more concerned with style and being an outlaw than it is with the content of its characters. At some point it just starts spinning its wheels, repeating the same dialogue over meandering scenes of parties or late-night drunk teens in a way that suggests that Harmony Korine believes that simply repeating James Franco’s voice whispering “spring break” over images of partying or violence is the same thing as thoughtful analysis. The movie is wild and different, but ultimately frivolous.

Spring Breakers also following in Wreck-It Ralph’s footsteps by winning the 2013 Award for Use of Skrillex. Congratulations?

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The Bling Ring takes a similar set of bored teens and tells the true story of how they slipped into a life or crime. Based on a true story, these teens simply start off stealing wallets from cars that are left unlocked in wealthy parts of L.A. but eventually start sneaking into the houses of the rich and famous and stealing their valuables. The kids are stupid but not because they are incompetent, just because they are committing serious crimes for petty rewards. Sure they are smart enough to get into people’s houses, but it appears that the wealthy are so confident that they are safe that it wasn’t really that hard to get in–looking up a house on Google maps to decide how tight security is is not the work of a master thief. The real reason that these kids are so stupid is the same thing that motivates them to steal; they are vain and so obsessed with fame and fashion that they really sacrifice everything in their lives, including their friendships, in order to spend just a few hours combing through Paris Hilton’s coats and pilfering panties. The movie does a good job analyzing these fame-crazed teens and the world they are surrounded with–though not as great a job as the features on the Bluray do–but unfortunately it feels like it pulls it’s punches at the end, getting so obsessed with the crimes that I stop caring about the criminals, which means that as friendship fall apart, I really didn’t care.

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Pain & Gain was exactly what I wanted and more. The movie is insane and, all kidding aside, if anyone other than Michael Bay had made it it wouldn’t have been as good. Not only does his manic, bombastic style fit so well with the stream of nonsense coming out of these characters’s brains, but it almost feels like Bay is venting frustration on the screen, turning all his old trick up to 11. And as somebody who knows how derivative Bay’s films have been lately but also finds them completely enjoyable, watching him flex his muscles doing something crazy and fresh was really fun. There are plenty of people who will flat out ignore this movie because of his name, and I’m not saying that it’s a great film because as funny as it is it’s not easy to watch, but it would be a real shame if this silly thing went completely unnoticed. Hell, Bay might even win a few naysayers back to his side with this one [Zach Eastman].the-wolf-of-wall-street-jonah-hill-leonardo-dicaprio1Jordan Belfort is a pathetic imbecile who surrounds himself with what seems to be the stupidest, most morally devoid people he can find because he can seemingly turn any empty vessel into a malicious salesman. Unlike everything else on this list The Wolf of Wall Street actually succeeds at not just being trite or superficial. This is a movie that actually delivers an interesting character and story and uses that to clearly analyze what kind of human being is driven solely by money. The performances from everyone involved are fantastic and the it is genuinely entertaining and fun throughout. If any of the other movies on this list were three hours long I would not have finished them, but you just don’t want to look away from The Wolf of Wall Street. Belfort would actually be disqualified from this list because he is so successful at getting rich if not for the fact that he is still an idiot, so he sabotages himself left and right by refusing to get out early when given the chance and failing to understand the nature of his situation, so in the end he gets caught and is punished for it, like all stupid criminals will be.

Check out our other awards for 2013:

Use of The Rock

Best WTF! Moments

FILMSPLOSION

Be a Part of the Celebration!

On Friday, January 3rd we’ll be recording this year’s Filmsplosion where we celebrate all the movies of 2013. Be sure to send in your votes for best film or your top ten lists or any other comments you have from this year and be entered to win free tickets to the Alamo Drafthouse and other awesome prizes.

 

2013: BEST WTF! MOMENTS

WTF AWARDS SPOILERS

 

 

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The Way, Way Back seems a little odd on this list until I remember that’s it’s Steve Carell delivering the line. I wasn’t expecting Steve Carell to be such a dick in this movie, or to be so viciously good at it, or for that to be how the movie starts. It’s an unbelievably uncomfortable scene that sets the tone for the entire first act. It really makes you feel trapped in the situation the way that Duncan does so you immediately relate with him in your joint hatred of Steve Carell’s face. I hope Steve Carell never hurts me like this again.

movies_elysiumKruger seems like a pretty normal bad guy for the first two-thirds of Elysium, a badass bad guy but normal none-the-less. Until, that is, his face gets blown off and they put it back together. The practical effects used to punch a hole the size of large boot through the side of Sharlto Copley’s face is super impressive and the way it’s edited in is shocking. It completely changes who that character is and gives him some staying power in your mind when you walk out of the theater. I didn’t want to include the real images of the face because they might be disturbing, but you can find them on the internet here.

Anchorman-2-SharkAnchorman II is a really funny movie and whatever you might feel about it by comparison to the original you have to admit that you did not see any of that coming. The pet shark, the song about the pet shark, Brick with a future laser gun, Kanye West, Will Smith, Liam Neeson, the ghost of Stonewall Jackson, Harrison Ford turning into a Werewolf–need I go on?

This-is-the-End-e1369331723506I don’t think it’s the premise that made this one so shocking, it was the silhouette. Sure we can make jokes about people getting raped by demons, and they might get weirder in a movie where the actors are all playing themselves, but to see the rape is another matter entirely. Not only did you not expect to see that, you probably didn’t want to either. In the context of the movie I think it’s handled “tastefully” but once you’re out of the theater and you say to your buddy, “Did we just see Jonah Hill get raped by a giant red demon?” that’s when it hits you.evildead 2013 3

Evil Dead is a visual smorgasbord of trauma. Once the horror starts it is ruthless and original. It goes beyond just showing you really amazing gore effects and punishing its characters in inventive ways, because Fede Alvarez builds and maintains tension so well that even without the visuals you would still feel trapped. I could give you a list of all the horrible things you see in this movie but… Heck, why not? The branch attack, the jaw, the tongue, the arm, the nails, the rest of the nails, the knee, the saw, the opening sequence, and I’m still forgetting things. What’s cool looking at that list too, is that if you haven’t seen the movie you can’t quite put together what I’m referring to, but if you have, you and I are speaking the same language. We’ve been stuck with horror movies like this year’s Texas Chainsaw “Sequel” and the Paranormal Activities and so it’s “nice” so see someone really making a horror movie that is both character driven and about as shocking and crazy as you can get.

Check out our other awards for 2013:

Use of The Rock

Worst Criminals

FILMSPLOSION

On Friday, January 3rd we’ll be recording this year’s Filmsplosion where we celebrate all the movies of 2013. Be sure to send in your votes for best film or your top ten lists or any other comments you have from this year and be entered to win free tickets to the Alamo Drafthouse and other awesome prizes.

 

2013: Use of The Rock

The-Rock-AWARDS

Empire State

MV5BMjExOTY4MDEzNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzIyMTY3OQ@@._V1_SX640_SY720_It’s one thing to use an actor like The Rock in a cameo so that you can put him front and center on the box art and hopefully get more people to buy your little movie, but at least give that actor something interesting to work with so that they don’t come off like they’re just phoning it in for a paycheck. I don’t know that that’s why The Rock did this movie but no matter how much he might have really wanted to be involved in Empire State, no matter how much he might have thought that the story of the movie was something unique, the character he plays is so one-dimensional that they basically could have just used an old standee from his wrestling days and pulled the audio of trite platitudes he’s said in his previous movies–maybe a good line from Walking Tall about doing the right thing-and still kept their plot on track. At least when Liam Hemsworth’s other completely forgettable movie from this year, Paranoia, enlisted Harrison Ford it gave him a super badass line to deliver that they even used in the trailer. Empire State gives The Rock nothing to play with.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

gi-joe-retaliation-final-posterI’m one of those weird people who really loves GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, so I actually lament the more realistic sequel–yes, rocket motorcycles and nano-tech dopplegangers and ninja cliff battles are too realistic–but The Rock is a welcome addition. But while GI Joe sounds exactly like something that The Rock would be perfect for, this is really a set-piece driven action movie, which means that The Rock doesn’t really get to show off. The Rock is coolest in very physical, one-on-one scenes where he can maybe throw in some wrastlin’ moves and you can inter-cut close-ups of him making serious, threatening looking faces by frowning and flexing his forehead-muscles. Watch through the trailer and you’ll notice that The Rock only ever stands somewhere while the camera looks at him, and then ninjas fight and big CG explosions happen. Sure this movie is decently fun, but it doesn’t live up to The Rock’s potential. I hope he returns with Channing Tatum for GI Joe: Sitting on the Couch Playing XBox and Drinking Beers.

Snitch

Snitch_PosterSnitch is not the most interesting movie but it’s fun and it gives The Rock some light drama to play with. The plot is silly and the dramatic scenes are easily forgettable, but somehow The Rock makes those scenes entertaining enough that you don’t find yourself bored. You could easily compare this to Empire State because it is almost equally forgettable, except that it allows The Rock just enough dramatic room that he can illuminate an otherwise lackluster script. I’m basically saying that Snitch uses The Rock well because by not being a very good movie, it lets The Rock show off how good he is by improving the film overall. He has the kind of charisma that doesn’t win Oscars but is always entertaining. He’s been compared to Arnold Schwarzeneggar before and that’s not just because they are both big, bulky guys, but because they are both real movie stars. If you flipped past Snitch on cable one day, you might stop and watch it and really enjoy it, simply because of how fun it is to watch The Rock work.

Fast & Furious 6

fast_and_furious_six_ver6_xlgThis is the kind of action movie that The Rock is most impressive in. Furious 6 is one of my biggest disappointments of the year–mostly due to the over-use of Michelle Rodriguez–but the action scenes are among the year’s most impressive. And while those crazy over-the-top action scenes have big set pieces to them, with tanks or cars driving through planes, it still knows exactly what The Rock is best at. Sure, there are cars driving all over a runway shooting harpoons into the wings of a plane and flipping over and shit, but where is The Rock, he’s inside the plane beating up on dudes and picking up heavy things and hitting giant Russians with them. This movie knows how to make The Rock come off like a badass and it doesn’t disappoint. He was a welcome addition to the series in Fast Five and when Furious 6 started to get too melodramatic for its own good, The Rock helped keep it afloat.

Pain & Gain

pain_and_gain_ver2_xlgThe Rock is a super funny dude and we don’t get to see that often enough. Even in a mediocre movie like Be Cool he was able to steal every scene he was in and Pain & Gain is no different. His character is super wacky and manic which let’s The Rock just completely let loose. He’s hardly tied to the plot so his only real purpose is for comic relief, and because he gets to play around with his bizarre religious motivations and his obsession with “being fit” you tend to find yourself waiting for his character to come back on screen. But perhaps the trait that serves The Rock best when he’s taking on one of these comedic roles is that overly-exaggerated face of his. The same cartoonish face that let him push one eyebrow way up high in an attempt at intimidation in the ring serves him well now in these kinds of roles. The Rock doesn’t chew scenery, The Rock cooks it.

Check out our other awards for 2013:

Best WTF! Moments

Worst Criminals

FILMSPLOSIONBe Part of the Celebration

On Friday, January 3rd we’ll be recording this year’s Filmsplosion where we celebrate all the movies of 2013. Be sure to send in your votes for best film or your top ten lists or any other comments you have from this year and be entered to win free tickets to the Alamo Drafthouse and other awesome prizes.

 

 

 

Apple Falls into an Old Trap. Censors Comics.

 

lyingcatUpdate:

Well, I didn’t think we’d be printing a retraction so soon in our careers, but here it is. Today it was revealed that Brian K. Vaughan statement that Apple was censoring Saga was false. It was in fact Comixology that was misinterpreting the rules given to them by Apple that caused Comixology themselves to choose not to release the book. Cooler heads than mine prevailed, including the seasoned writer Josh Flanagan over at iFanboy whose article today explains how this happened and his take on the response by the inflammatory internet–that includes me.

I’m sorry to have added to the anger and confusion yesterday.

What follows is the article as originally posted. While the circumstances have clearly changed, the history is certainly still true.

So as not to be a hypocrite: Warning! Mature Content!Saga12Cover

Earlier today Brian K. Vaughan posted a press release stating that the next issue of their book Saga was not going to be available for purchase through any iOS apps. Apple chose not to allow retailers like Comixology to sell the issue because of the adult content featured within. As digital distribution of comics is still suffering from birthing pains, this battle against censorship was inevitable, though while I expected it to be Apple against somebody I wouldn’t have dreamed it would have been against Saga or Brian K. Vaughan.

Apple is no longer a medium, they are a retailer but without the benefit of the sixty-plus years of retail experience that most comic shops either have or have inherited. This means that before I get angry—hard as that is to quell—I need to remember that they are approaching this issue from a place of ignorance, having not survived perhaps the worse occurrence of government induced censorship that the United States has ever endured. They are making the same mistakes that were made in the Fifties. So let’s very quickly educate the completely unaware.
CrimeSuspense22CoverIn the mid-Fifties there was an explosion of paranoia surrounding comics as parents, educators, and law-makers around the country began to really examine what kind of content was in the comics that they were reading. This was somewhat fueled by the growth of the horror comics genre, an extremely popular genre at the time that covered everything from True Crime to fantastic monsters. True Crime—often something of a misnomer since it was mostly fiction or sensationalized for shock value—was used as the tip of the spear plunged into the side of comics. Under the most scrutiny was William Gaines and EC Comics, most visually for their cover to Crime SuspenStories issue 22, which despite his best efforts Gaines was never able to properly defend while being questioned publicly on the stand. Rather than spending any real time collecting data or, better yet, properly monitoring what their children read and properly refusing to buy comics for them that clearly featured mature content, parents and law-makers listened to a man named Frederick Wertham. Wertham was a doctor who’d written a book called The Seduction of the Innocent. It gathered the data from his investigations into the effects of violent comics on children and concluded that comics were “a contributing factor in many cases of juvenile delinquency.” All this data has since been debunked as bad science gathered by a man who had an agenda rather than a pure curiosity. Laws were eventually passed stating that comics couldn’t contain images of violence, sex, or crime. These laws were quickly revoked by the supreme court for being unconstitutional but not before laying the groundwork for the creation of the Comic Code Authority which would stifle the medium for the next twenty-five years. This organization eventually broke down around 1986, starting a new era of comics heralded in by Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns, two of the finest pieces of comic book art and literature that the medium has ever known. Ever since, the comic book industry has been wary of censorship, maybe even overly sensitive on the subject, while also struggling to find ways to avoid facing censorship like that again by instituting their own rating systems—like the one Comixology uses to label Saga for Mature Readers—in an attempt to make shopping easier for parents; though that system is not good enough yet, in my opinion.

But enough history, lets take a second to consider the content that has provoked Apple today. Obviously the issue isn’t out till tomorrow so I can’t actually show it to you, but according to Vaughan it is “two ‘postage stamp-sized’ depictions of gay sex.”

More appropriate than gay sex.

More appropriate than gay sex.

 

Is this adult content that children shouldn’t see? In my opinion, yes. But Saga is an adult book. It’s had content like this before. There is nudity on the fifth page of the first issue and a two page, detailed sex scene halfway through that issue leaving little to the imagination—other than wondering what those people would look like if they didn’t have televisions for heads. Provided that Vaughan’s description isn’t a lie, I’m left to think that Apple must only have a problem with issue 12 for one of two reasons: because it is homosexual sex, or because the panels are so small on the page that it cannot really be enjoyed as the erotic material that Apple believes it was intended to be. And upon further review it must be that second issue, the one about size, and not the fact that it’s a homosexual sex act because they must know that Vaughan’s magnum opus Y: The Last Man—which is also available for purchase on Comixology though not adapted for mobile viewing—features a panel more than half the size of the page of two women having sex. So maybe women having sex is okay but if it’s men then it’s dangerous. Except that I can buy Brokeback Mountain on the iTunes store. Hmm…

GhostGirlSagaLet’s give Apple the benefit of the doubt, however, and presume that this is something more graphic than simply nudity and horizontal body placement—though I seriously doubt it. If that’s true then we get into two arguments: one is that there is plenty of content equal to or worse that is accessible on their devices, and the other is the classic question of why sexual content is so much more unacceptable than violence. The second issue is one that better writers than I with far more research have spent countless pages discussing and while I’m not even sure how I feel about it or why, it doesn’t change the fact that in this country sex is worse than violence. The ghost girl in Saga who died getting her bottom half torn off and whose entrails hang out under her as she floats around caring for our characters’ newborn is always going to be more acceptable than sex—though that’s a bad example because that undead girl is so cute and lovable.

No it’s the first question that offers a treasure-trove of argument. Apple is spending time censoring comics but it does not however censor the internet, which the porn crazed children clamoring for tiny swashes of animated sex could much more easily just ask Siri to collect for them—I checked, she will. The content in this issue is something Apple believes they shouldn’t be a part of distributing to you, but you can get similar or worse content in other ways through their devices. And it’s not simply that censoring the internet is too hard a job because they are selling similar content on their own store, so the only conclusion left is that they are doing this to comics and not other mediums because when it’s a movie it’s art and when it’s a comic it’s for children.

What a monumental failure of imagination on their part.

I'm honestly not afraid of this happening again soon.

I’m honestly not afraid of this happening again soon.

Apple exists in a very bizarre place here. They aren’t really the retailer, they are the medium. They build the machine and the operating system by which people access other retailers and consume content. They aren’t simply saying that they choose not to sell something because of its content, they are telling another retailer that they can’t sell that content because it’s their device being used to consume that content. They have no reason to fear this content because Comixology, Image Comics, and even Brian K. Vaughan are responsible long before they are. But while I absolutely believe that they have the right not to sell content they see as being in bad taste, as does any retailer, I also believe that I have the right to call them ignorant for it. I have the right to refuse to buy products from them because of the way they treat both their consumers and their business partners. They aren’t doing this because they are afraid of the ramifications on them, they are doing this for the same reasons that reactionary mothers fearing their son’s might turn into ax-murderers did sixty years ago. As William Gaines exclaimed back then in one of his own protest comics, “It isn’t that they don’t like comics for THEM! They don’t like them for YOU!”

In an age where knowledge is free, where the consumer demands content the way they choose to have it, this kind of infantile and haphazard censorship needs to be left behind.

Now before I go I don’t want you to think that I’m saying that all content should be handed over to kids just because I’d hate for Vaughan to censor himself or for him to make a little less money because his readers are inconvenienced. That’s not true. Instead I’ll end with two sections from David Hajdu’s book on the subject, The Ten-Cent Plague:

In discussion of Walter Geier’s choice to write romance comics.

“’I thought romance is a complicated subject, and young girls are pretty smart, probably smarter than boys. So I tried to give them something worthy of their attention.’ In a rare instance when he received a response to one of his story-length synopses, an editor told Geier, “Don’t overdo it—remember, you’re writing for the chambermaid in the hotel.” Geier ignored him.

“’That really bothered me,’ Geier said. ‘I don’t know about chambermaids, but I was still pretty young then, and the young girls I knew weren’t stupid.’”

 In discussion of Frederick Wertham’s book.

“Equally patronizing in his treatment of those who created comics and those who bought them, Wertham never wavered from the promise of his title; he portrayed comic-book readers exclusively as innocents, describing virtually all readers of titles of all kinds as ‘children.’ Wertham was correct to note that the very young had access to every type of comic book on the newstand, and he pointed out, usefully, that warnings such as the ‘For Adults Only’ label that Fox used on its most lurid comics were likely an enticement to the wrong readers. If Seduction of the Innocent encouraged some parents to keep copies of Stanley P. Morse’s Weird Chills out of third-graders’ hands, Wertham performed a worthy service. At the same time, his obdurate initialization of the comics readership was inaccurate and tactical, rather than scientific. It diminished the adolescents and young adults who turned to comics in part because the books represented an escape from childhood, a way to begin dealing with the mysteries, the titillations, and the dangers of adulthood while reading safely in their bedrooms, under the covers.

“’To me, the most offensive thing about [The Seduction of the Innocent] was that [Wertham] presumed that everybody who read comics was a child or an idiot,” said Al Feldstein. “We [at EC] functioned out of a presumption that our readers were at least fourteen, maybe thirteen, and older—up to adulthood, through adulthood. Mature readers, in terms of comic books. That never occurred to [Wertham]. That never occurred to a lot of people who didn’t understand comics. Our readers were more mature. They were almost adults,. Or on their way there, that’s why they were coming to us.”

The unfortunate truth is that these days the majority of comic-book readers are adults, but even for the ones who aren’t, the people who should be deciding what children have access to is their parents, for better or for worse. We should raise the expectations for parents to be present in their children’s lives and—even in an era of information overload like the one Apple thrives in—actively choosing content for their children rather than swinging open the floodgates and blaming artists or retailers for their own apathy. And for parents with older children that they believe are more mature and able to handle or understand adult content, that should be their choice too. What I haven’t addressed yet is that Vaughan explains in his post that this adult content isn’t in Saga #12 for shock value, it has a purpose in the story. For all we know this issue could open up a dialog among some families with mature children whose parents choose this story to be one that shapes the kind of person they’ll be. Heaven forbid that we allow a mature content to get in the way of telling a story about love and heroes, bravery and adversity, war and death, life and pain, and the adventure that ties it all into our lives. Heaven forbid we keep stories like that from shaping young adults.

TenCentPlagueCoverIf you want to know more about the comic-cook scare in America I highly recommend David Hajdu’s Book, The Ten-Cent Plague: The Great Comic-Book Scare and How it Changed America.

A Quick Word on The Aurora Memorial

As the news came in throughout Friday afternoon I never expected that by Sunday night we’d be attending the Memorial for the Aurora victims dressed in Nightwing gear. We only met Alex Sullivan a little over a month ago because of Denver Comic Con. I keep telling people that he was our biggest fan because that’s exactly how it felt. He wrote in to the show nearly every week and we talked about him often, wondering how we could get him more involved or when we could have him on the show. He was such an encouragement to us because we knew that DCC was our chance to promote our show and get regular listeners and audience participation and Sully was the first real sign of success, somebody we didn’t know who liked us just cause. We gave him a shirt.

After we found out for sure that Sully was one of those killed, Ryan wrote an article about how we knew Sully, so I’ll not retread that ground, but I do have some things to say and clear up.

The Memorial Sunday night was really nice. It’s a strange experience to grieve for a relationship with someone that you never really got to have. And it’s somehow comforting to see a crowd like that one gathered in honor of that person.

I’d like to thank Denver Comic Con for their involvement in organizing the Memorial, the officials of the City of Aurora, Governor Hickenlooper, all the people who volunteered to form a wall around the event to block the Westboro Baptist Church (who thankfully never showed), and the church leaders for their prayers and encouragement.

After the memorial we went to get food and while talking with the waiter he said what bugged him most about the whole thing was that when the shooter was taken into custody he gave up the fact that he’d booby trapped his apartment. We decided that it seems like the move of a man who didn’t really care about hurting people but was more interested in having the police find what he’d set up for them. Like he thought we’d all be impressed by it. Sure enough, a few days later I passed by the tv at work where they were detailing exactly what traps he’d set and postulating about what he hoped would happen when they were triggered.

It’s hard not to be angry after something like this happens and it’s easy to be angry at the wrong people. But this is Denver, and we’re seen shootings like this before. Months after Columbine the news was still trying to make sense of those boys actions. They spoke with every neighbor and family member, stirred discussion about every possible cause or who should be blamed as a way to search for understanding in the midst of chaos.

This shooter didn’t choose The Dark Knight Rises because he hates Batman, he chose it because he knew it would get him attention, because he knew that he’d add a bitter taste to a great movie forever. If that’s what he wanted than that’s exactly what I don’t want him to have. This is an evil that cannot be explained and should not be understood. The biggest cheer and applaud at the Memorial was when Hickenlooper said he refused to say the shooter’s name, “In my house he’s known as suspect A.”

I’m going to work my hardest to forget the shooter’s name—I only know it because I came across it looking for news about Sully when we believed he was missing. I’ll not hesitate to go back to the theater because I wont allow this person to have any legacy of terror.

If anyone is going to have a legacy coming out of this tragedy it’s Sully. It’s clear how many friends he had who loved him, and I think we feel lucky to have been able to count ourselves among them for a short time. He’s given us new motivation for the podcast and I guarantee that we’ll remember him often. We’ll be dedicating an episode to Sully this week as well as give out information about the small fundraiser we’re going to do to help out Sully’s family. We may not have much influence but we’re going to do everything we can to help.

I would also like to make it clear that everything we’re done for the past few days we’ve done cautiously. None of us want any promotion for the podcast because of this tragedy. We dressed up for the memorial as a way of honoring Sully not drawing attention to ourselves. While we were timid about having our pictures taken or doing interviews with the various news sites that have contacted us, we chose to do so because we thought it would be disrespectful towards Sully not to share our story and pretend we didn’t know him, but we were careful to avoid ever talking about the podcast because we didn’t want any of that to lead back here. It is all our wish that we never be perceived as trying to take advantage of this tragedy because we would quickly give up the followers we’ve accumulated over the past few days to have Sully back. I don’t want to begrudge new listeners, only ask that you not follow us because you think we’ve got some insight into why this all happened, but instead like us because Sully liked us, and he was a great guy with great taste.

Thank you all for your time, support, and encouragement through all this and please stay tuned to find out how you can join us in supporting the victims. We’ll let you know as soon as we can get it all figured out.

-James

Alex “Sully” Sullivan

Every once in awhile you meet somebody that you just click with. Sully was one of those guys. It was a beautiful Colorado afternoon. The day was June 14th and the Denver Comic Con was opening the next day. Mile High Comics was having one of their great comic auctions, this one was special though. As I drove up Jason St I noticed a long line to get in. I expected this because of all the great things that were going on. As I pulled into the lot I gathered up my Reel Nerds gear, t-shirt, business cards and some stickers. I walked to the end of the line, and the young man in front of me was a big guy. He turned and smiled and said “This is so cool, huh?” I said “Ya it really is.” The tall man looked down on my shirt and said “What’s Reel Nerds?”. I was excited because our shirts got attention and the first guy I met asked about it. I told him about our podcast and gave him a business card and sticker and said my name was Ryan. Again with a big smile he said, “Hi Ryan, I’m Sully” (I didn’t find out until later that his real name was Alex but his friends called him Sully.)

So as we slowly marched towards the doors of the comic shop we got to talking. We joked about how our wives put up with our comic books and all of our other nerdy stuff. We also couldn’t believe we had wives! I mean we are nerds! He also said that his favorite character was Nightwing. I said “Sully, your favorite character is Nightwing and you are wearing an Avengers shirt!” He said “I know but the movie was badass! And I like all comics!”

We finally made it in and he said that he would say hi again but he was looking for a comic for his dad and a couple other things. I asked if he needed help looking and he said no that he wrote down what he needed but thanks. James came up to me  few minutes later and said he met a really cool guy, named Sully! He was saying how nice and cool he was I said I had the same experience with him! He was the same way to two strangers, which says a lot about what kind of person he was.

The next day at Comic-Con we were frantic. We were doing interviews and setting up our booth and didn’t have time to scope things out. I will never forget when Sully came and saw us. He had a big smile(this is a recurring theme with him). He said “wow, you guys have great booth” With his smile you had to believe him, it was the most reassuring thing anyone said to me about our show. He then said that he was still on the hunt for items on his list and he would say bye before the show ended.

Sully returned a few hours later and was giddy. He said ” Ryan, check this out” He pulled out an amazing commissioned sketch of Nightwing! It was totally bad ass. I asked Sully if he wanted to be on our show. He declined but he said he would tweet and send us emails, and boy did he ever.

Sully became our number one fan(I like to think that anyways). At least once a week he would send us a tweet about movies we were seeing. A couple of times it would be at midnight and we would be waiting for the same movie, at different theaters. Here is my favorite tweet that Sully ever sent us:

@reel_nerds the movie brave and it suck ass!

Sully thought that it was “Brother Bear meets Freaky Friday”. Brilliant.

We only knew Sully for a short time but he became a friend. He was always funny and he will be missed. He helped us have another voice on our podcast by sending us funny and always great moments from movies he was at or experienced. This story isn’t about us. This is a story about a friend who was taken too early. We want everyone to remember that Sully was a great guy with an even greater smile, please remember him for that and the other 11 people who lost their lives. We were so lucky to have met him and we will continue to think of him every week we do this show.

To Sully,

Ryan Frost Host, The Reel Nerds

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